How do we know the way we are providing care is nourishing for ourselves and those who receive it?
We become caregivers over a long period of time. It takes maturing as a human being in relationship with one’s family and community to become a person responsible for care. As we grow older and experience and understand our own and others’ pain and suffering, we come to discover that kindness is really the most important value we can embody that will heal ourselves and others.
I began to recognize myself as a caregiver just before my divorce. At that time, my mother asked me to help take care my grandfather who was in his nineties and was living alone after the death of my grandmother a few years before.
I had been sitting in meditation practice for nearly a decade at that point. What happened for me through the practice of mindfulness was that I grew in my ability to notice feelings and sensations in my body. I started to realize that the sensation of warmth and connection arose for me when I physically embraced my grandfather. Similar feelings and sensations came into my awareness when I felt tender and kind towards him. When difficulties or pleasures came up for him, I felt them alongside him because we shared a common life together. As we shared the difficulties together and I wished his pain and discomfort to be eased, I felt refreshed and less focused on myself and my doctoral degree process. As we shared joys and pleasures, we both appreciated the time we spent in connection with each other.
These embodied feelings and sensations pointed me in the direction of seeing myself differently. This didn’t happen all at once, but gradually unfolded over time. I learned to see myself most importantly as a son, grandson, and father to my daughters. Because I was till preoccupied with finishing my degree, I still didn’t realize how deeply caring for other people was a part of who I am. As mindfulness calmed my mind and body, I found the space to recognize what I most valued. Kindness and warmth became values that resonated in my body. I found myself paying more attention to taking care of myself and others out of the kindness of my heart and mind. I stripped away layers of myself that did not relate to care.
This was a way to find compassion for myself and others. I didn’t think about it like that, but I was trying to find kindness in myself for myself and others. I wanted to heal and be a part of the healing of others.
