When we recognize another person, we acknowledge she is unique, call her by name, and confirm her identity. We include her in our narratives, and we see ourselves as having a unique role in hers. Not only are we unique as distinct selves in our own narratives, but our narratives about our relationships with other unique selves are also unique and complex. This is why the ending of a friendship, relationship, or marriage is so painful. We are losing and mourning the unique qualities of being that only that relationship had, and this is why the moral stakes of recognition are so important to care.
Our recognition of others is the basis of human social belonging, as anthropologists and moral philosophers say. We recognize the dignity of others in understanding them as unique and capable of making choice. We take the time and make the space in ourselves to perceive and accept what they want, value, need, feel, and think. We come near enough to the experiences of those for whom we care, so that we can get in touch with who they are.
We attune to them, like a tuning fork allows us to attune our voices to the same musical notes and harmonize with each other, our calm and aware body resonates at the same emotional frequency as the persons for whom we care. We get in touch with how we feel in our body in relation to how the persons we care for are feeling in their bodies. Mindfulness provides the basis for this kind of connective work in my practice of Zen-inspired spiritual care, but mindfulness isn’t the only way to do this work.
Many of the good enough parents in my childhood just had the emotional intelligence to tune in to what their children needed by feeling what their children felt alongside of them. And then these mothers and fathers said, I am sorry that you are feeling frustrated (or sad or angry) before offering a practical solution. And these same parents took pleasure in the joys and successes of their children. Recognition is based in this kind of paying close attention to others we care enough about to see as not entirely separate from us, because we are bound together in this life we share.
