Mindfulness is a way of making choices about where you place your attention as a caregiver. It involves the ability to notice and accept whatever arises in our experience as human beings. We can think of it as using the hand of our attention (our mind’s hand) to get in touch with and feel any experience happening in our body. Mindfulness brings together mind, extended nervous system, and body. It aligns these three elements of our humanity and supports open and non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and others. As any form of experience arises in our unique body, nervous system, and mind, we notice and accept its presence with a sense of calm, curiosity, and openness.
When we experience a sense of uneasiness in the presence of someone different from ourselves, we notice and take an attitude of calm, openness, curiosity, and inquiry about that uneasiness that arose in the presence of this different other. In mindfulness practice, the only thing we try to avoid is judgment of oneself and others. And when we find judgement come up, we don’t judge ourselves but accept this judgment as part of our past social conditioning. We were taught to judge by other important people in our lives, and we cannot undo this habit right away. Mindfulnesses way to get around judgment is to accept that even judgement is part of one’s experience because of one’s family life and personal history. In essence, one accepts and is curious about even feelings of judgment as a way to accept these feelings. In practicing mindfulness, we accepts everything about ourselves because everything belongs.
Caring for persons with dementia can lead to experiences of discomfort that lead us to avoid developing deeper relationships with them. This has happened to me in giving care to persons with dementia very frequently, and it takes work to overcome the desire to avoid deeper relationships with persons who are different from who we are. Say, for example, a person we are caring for who has dementia fails to make eye contact when we say her name, we might notice and remain curious about what that might mean. We might acknowledge the lack of eye contact makes us feel like we are not being recognized. We might notice if this makes us feel awkward, embarrassed, or out of place. We might consider options for what we say or do next. Shall we say her name again? If we are still standing and she is lying down or sitting, shall we ask if we can sit next to her? Shall we pause for a few moments and wait for her to gather herself? Shall we attempt to touch her shoulder or lower arm? What might we do with our choice and our way of paying attention to ourselves in relationship to this woman for whom we care?
When we experience distress come up that is unbearable, we can excuse ourselves and walk away for a moment with the intention to return at some point and try again. Stepping away and coming back, redirecting ourselves and giving ourselves space, is very important when we confront challenging feelings that come up in our body. And to the degree that we can, we can learn to tolerate higher levels of distress when we care for those with dementia over time by making space in ourselves to be curious about ourselves and others. Say, for example, a woman care for grows angry with us as we try to help her dress. We might recognize her feelings and feelings of anger that arise in us as a response. After all, you might say to yourself, I was only trying to help her. But we don’t stop at that defense of our intentions. We can go on to be curious about our experience of anger and about her experience of anger. What is the experience about for us? What about for her? How might we find choice in responding to these feelings of anger with care?
On our own, as we practice recognizing our experiences and being open to them in a formal practice called mindfulness, setting aside a few minutes each day to build this skill, we become more and more able to make space for and empathize with others. This improved empathy is based in recognizing the persons for whom we care as fully human just like we are. This allows us to see their needs and wants with more clarity as we are less prone to project our own needs and wants onto them. We are less liable to feel distressed by uncomfortable feelings we have, wrapped up in our self-involved thinking and storytelling, and we are more able to calmly receive and appreciate the experiences of others for whom we care. We are less likely to try to escape from their presence. We can see their narratives emerge and provide a place in our minds and hearts to receive them. We can find more room in ourselves to be curious even at moments of heightened anger, fear, or sorrow.
Mindfulness is not by any means the only way to cultivate this ability to declutter our minds and hearts so that we can appreciate and deeply care for others. It does have lots of research behind it. It is a well-described and well-researched method that I practice and can teach you more about. You can also find countless apps and gurus online who have developed web content that is applicable to giving care to persons living with dementia. And there is no replacement for an excellent teacher like my own, Guo Gu of the Tallahassee Chan Center.
